Honesty.

Adjust. This is something I don't do very well. In a classroom? Sure! I embrace change and having to adjust...that is what teaching is all about! My personal life? Life in general? I struggle.

I am a planner. Sometimes I pretend that I am the "go with the flow" girl. I'm not.

After lunch, I want to know what we are doing for dinner. By Wednesday, I am making plans for the weekend. On Monday I am planning which nights I will be home and what I am going to do on those nights.

I plan.

I schedule.

I like to know what is going to happen.

That isn't life, is it?

I am struggling to adjust to my new reality. A life without my mother, one of my very best friends. A life with jobs I didn't think I would have. A life where I don't know if I will be living where I want to be living in a few months. It is hard. Very hard. Plans I thought I would have 4 months from now, a year from now, two years from now, they aren't my reality anymore.

Everyday is difficult. I know there are good things about each day, but I forget to look for them all the time. I was reminded somewhat indirectly tonight that my happiness starts with me. Not with my boyfriend, my best friend, my job, or my favorite pair of shoes (although these make me so very happy). ME.

It is a scary thing to accept. (I struggle with acceptance, if you couldn't tell) Do I think my life could be happier with my mom here with me? No doubt. Could I be a happier if I had that teaching job I am hoping for? Sure. Would I be happier if our plans for moving out and getting an apartment were going more smoothly? Definitely. However, those are things I can't change right now...some, not at all. Even if I had those things, days would still be hard. Life would still be hard.

Life is hard.

My happiness starts me with me. It is my responsibility to find those good things. To do things that make me happy. To look past the things I can't change, and find the good in them where I can.

I can't promise I will be able to do this every day. I can try, though.

My life is about adjusting. It is about new plans. A new reality. Acceptance.

I think I am started to realize acceptance is how my happiness can start. It's all on me.

joy